


Comms Chatter

by hypatia



Series: The Incredibly True Adventures of 2 Hackers in Love [11]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Gen, In-Jokes, Professional relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:48:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24681808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hypatia/pseuds/hypatia
Summary: Short vignettes showing Q's working relationships with the 00 agents who aren't James Bond. Evenly divided between issuing equipment and managing field operations.Each piece is based on Q's tongue-in-cheek description of his interactions with the 00s fromContingency Plans:Mission.
Relationships: Q & 00 Agent(s) (James Bond)
Series: The Incredibly True Adventures of 2 Hackers in Love [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1568371
Comments: 15
Kudos: 77





	Comms Chatter

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lucdarling](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucdarling/gifts).



> This is for lucdarling who wanted to see Q's interaction with 004. 
> 
> I wasn't initially certain that I could write what I'd described in 'Mission' (which I had no idea at the time I'd be returning to for inspiration). Then I wrote short pieces for 005 and 008 and I realized I had ideas for the rest of the set. A friend who isn't on the archive gave me the hint I needed to find 004 and Q's voices.

###  **008**

“Good evening, Q,” said 008, walking into Q’s office. Q was seated on his sofa, wielding, of all things, needle and thread.

“008. Good evening. I apologize, I’ve gotten behind. I’ll have this for you in a few more minutes.” He indicated the garment in his lap. He was resewing a seam in the lining.

“I didn’t realize you did that by hand,” said 008. Seating himself on the opposite end of the sofa.

“Hmm? Oh. Not always, but necessary on a suit like this. It gives me more control over the final result. And, just between us, it’s a soothing task and I have precious few of those.”

008 nodded understanding and watched in silence for a few minutes. “You do fine work.”

“Thank you,” said Q. “Your weapon and comm are in the case on my desk. You could check the grip sensor while I finish this.”

“Certainly.” 008 retrieved the case. “Everything seems to be in good order,” he reported after a moment.

“Excellent.”

“My mother worked as a seamstress when she immigrated to Britain,” said 008. “Piecework mainly. Painstaking work for low pay, but I know she found it satisfying.”

Q nodded. “It’s one of my favorite engineering disciplines.”

“Engineering?” asked 008.

“Very much so. And anyone who says differently can go hang. In Q-branch we pay as much attention to Paris fashion week as we do the Consumer Electronics Show or any military R & D we can access.” He tied off his last stitch, trimmed the thread, and shook out the jacket. “There. Can you try this on? I want to see how it lies with the flexible sensors I inserted.”

008 took off the jacket he wore and pulled on the new one. Q walked in a circle around him, scanning for flaws.

“Can you put your hands in your trouser pockets? Good, thank you.” Q nodded and pulled the chair out from behind his desk. “Sit down for a moment?” he looked critically at the garment, walking around the chair. “Yes, I think that will do nicely. I’m pushing an updated app to your phone. You’ll have some new options for detecting a variety of electromagnetic signals.”

“Will it stand up to dry-cleaning?” asked 008, pulling the jacket back off.

“It should last through five or six cleanings,” said Q.

“Not longer?”

“008,” said Q, raising an eyebrow, “How many of your suits last long enough to see five or six cleanings?”

008 shrugged. “Six might actually be the record. I just expect you to over-engineer most of our equipment.”

Q rolled his eyes. “I’m willing to make tradeoffs in order to hide things effectively in your suit lining.”

008 smiled. “If you ever tire of MI6, you could be a tailor.”

“And if tailors got to play with explosives more often,” smirked Q, “I might consider it. Best of luck on your mission, 008.”

“Thank you, Q. Good night.”

###  **002**

When 002 entered Q’s office for the first time to pick up their equipment, they stopped dead in the doorway and stared at the quartermaster.

“Mike?” said 002 in disbelief.

Q smiled. “That isn’t actually my name. And even if it were, it’s just Q now. Hello Ariel.”

“You look so fucking posh,” they said, waving a hand up and down, indicating Q’s attire. “That jumper must have cost you five hundred quid, didn’t it?”

Q smirked, “Six,” he said.

“This will take some getting used to.”

Q raised an eyebrow. “Whereas most people who know me at MI6 would be surprised to see me in worn jeans and ratty concert t-shirts.” He handed over a case. “Walther PPK Short with a palmprint reader in the grip. In the field, only you’ll be able to fire it.”

“Ooh. Handy.”

“Quite.”

They snickered.

“Hmm?” asked Q.

“They’d also be surprised I’ve snogged our quartermaster,” 002 grinned.

“Yes well, you and about eight other people that night, so don’t let it go to your head,” Q responded dryly.

“Are we going to have to fill out bloody paperwork over that?”

“I shouldn’t think so. It was nearly fifteen years ago and neither of us worked for MI6 at the time. Unless you _want_ to explain post-rave puppy piles to the terrifying ladies in personnel.”

“Not a chance. They are more fearsome than anything I’ve ever encountered on a mission,” said 002 decisively.

“Didn’t think so. Though if you change your mind, try to talk to the most grandmotherly one, Lois. She lived in a commune for several years and would probably _adore_ hearing details.”

They blinked. “But now you’ve tempted me. I might be able to get her to swap stories.”

Q shrugged and smirked. “Up to you. You’ll return the equipment intact right? As a favor to an old mate?”

“Probably best if I don’t set you up for that kind of disappointment,” they grinned.

Q rolled his eyes. “It was worth a try.”

###  **006 and 009**

The first time 009 met Q was just after he was promoted to 00 status. He was young, talented, and a cocky bastard. (There were whispers that he matched the new quartermaster well in this regard.) 006 had been assigned to mentor him, give him some polish, and if possible, some humility. One of their first stops was Q-branch.

“Good morning, Q,” said 006. “I’d like to introduce Timothy Hawkins, 009. He’s just been promoted to full 00 status.”

“Pleased to meet you Agent Hawkins,” said Q, watching the other man size him up. Apparently, the new agent wasn’t impressed. Q saw that 006, standing just slightly behind Hawkins, was about to say something and gave a subtle shake of his head.

006’s posture changed subtly. He was standing still, but now he had an air of leaning back to watch whatever happened next.

“I’m issuing you a new weapon,” Q said to 009. “The same model Walther you’re familiar with, but this has a micro-dermal sensor in the grip. If you are disarmed, no one else will be able to fire it.”

009 sneered slightly. “You don’t know much about field work if you think an MI6 agent can’t secure their weapons.”

Q smiled faintly.

“ _Bood' milim droog,_ ” said 006.

“ _Nyet postoyannih povryezhdyeniy. Ya obyeshshayoo_ ,” responded Q.

“ _Ya hotyela bi oovidyet', kak ti poprobooyesh_ ',*” said 009.

 _* Russian:_  
006: Be nice friend.  
Q: No permanent damage. I promise.  
009: I’d like to see you try.

“Would you?” asked Q evenly, raising an eyebrow.

006 leaned in and murmured in Hawkins’ ear. “Have you noticed it’s gone quiet? They’re all wondering what he’s going to do to you.”

Q tilted his head like a teacher with a slightly dim pupil. “Tell me 009. How many weapons do I have within reach on my desk right now?” He swung his arm in an arc to demonstrate his range.

009 drew back in surprise.

“Take as much time as you like,” said Q encouragingly, glancing at 006, who suppressed a smirk.

“I see four,” said the new agent after a long moment.

006 snorted. “Not even close lad. And since he specified _on_ his desk, that’s before we count the taser in his pocket, his personal firearm which he conceals under his desk and, I feel I need to add, your weapon which you’re currently _failing to secure_.”

009 turned and blinked at 006. “But its encoded to me, right?” he asked.

Q held out his hand, palm up, and gestured _give it to me_. 009 reversed his grip and handed the weapon to Q who pointed it at the floor. The ready-to-fire indicator lit as it touched his palm. “There is no weapon in MI6 that I cannot use,” said Q mildly.

“And he’ll be at least as good a shot as you,” said 006, with some satisfaction. “You might want to start again and see if you can’t get on your quartermaster’s good side.”

009 had flushed and stared at the floor for a moment.

Q and 006 shared a look and waited to see if the new agent could recover.

“I’m sorry, Q,” said 009. “Would you show me what the other weapons on your desk are?”

Q smiled in approval. “Of course. Tell me which you saw and I’ll catalog the rest for you.”

A few minutes later, 009 looked at Q in delight. “ _That’s_ how that works? That’s brilliant!” Q nodded and pointed out another detail. While 009 was engaged, Q glanced up at 006 and smirked. 006 smiled in return and bowed slightly. “I’ll leave you to it then,” he said.

009 barely noticed he’d left.

###  **003**

Two days into her mission, 003 had taken a fall so jarring she’d lost her comm. As soon as she could make it to a British embassy, she could get a replacement, but for now, she had in a set of earbuds and was using her mobile phone to communicate with Q back at headquarters.

“Head to the next block and take a left,” said Q, watching her GPS signal.

“That’s not going to work Q,” said 003 testily, looking around for better cover.

“I assure you it will, I just need you to… Did you just shake your mobile as if I’m a malfunctioning navigation app?”

There was a pause. “Might have,” she said reluctantly.

Q snorted and let his voice go slightly robotic. “Turn left in three hundred meters.”

003 _giggled_. “Q. Find me the safest route back to my rendezvous point,” she said as if he _were_ a navigation app, then returned to her normal tone, hurrying up the street. “I’ll owe you a drink if you get me out of this.”

“You owe me nothing but getting back to London safely, same as any agent,” he said, then tried another robotic voice. “Turn left in two hundred meters.”

“God no!” she said, horrified. “Now you sound like GlaDOS. Go back to the first voice.”

He chuckled. “Scarred by playing _Portal_ , were you?”

“Weren’t we all?” she asked.

“Possibly,” he said, she could hear the smile in his voice. “Up for some _Grand Theft Auto_?”

“Ooh. One of my favorites.”

“In 200 meters, your destination is on the right,” he said mechanically, then returned to his usual even tone. “Some wanker left a Mercedes idling in a no parking zone.”

“Perfect.”

###  **004**

Q watched 004 on a series of security cameras and a map showing her GPS coordinates. She arrived at the building where her target was located just before close-of-business and found a place to hide until most everyone would have gone home.

While she waited, they played a game of Scrabble and Q prepared to loop the security camera video so that she could move around without alerting any guards. They maintained strict radio silence. 004 won the game, bringing their win/loss ratio back to even. Her final word was ‘ready’, which made him grin as he started seriously hacking the security system.

004 approached the elevator bay and hesitated. She sighed. “Cats?” she asked.

“Victoria’s Jubilee?” said Q in surprise.

“Goldfish,” she said. It sounded like profanity. She pressed the elevator button and made her way to the office suite that was her target for the night.

“Molerat,” he said as she approached the door.

She made a noise that was probably agreement and picked the lock.

He watched her GPS signal as she slowly made her way to the server room.

“Belgrade?” Q asked as she approached the entrance.

“Marsupials,” said 004 in a disappointed tone.

“Mouse,” said Q.

A new-to-Q-branch tech looked at her neighbor in confusion. 004 was in Columbia not Serbia. Did South America even have marsupials?

The tech’s neighbor shrugged. “He’s on comm with 004. It rarely makes a bit of sense to anyone but them.”

“Victoria’s Jubilee was straightforward, right? The mission target is suite 1887.”

“It makes sense _this_ time. But the signified and the signifier change the longer they work together. Next time it might mean anything interesting that happens in the next 20 minutes, an unusually large gathering of royals, this entire mission, or an elderly lady in a wheelchair watching fireworks. No way to predict it. I expect they couldn’t either. I’m going to guess they’re using an animal theme tonight because 004 started off with one, but that’s _just_ a guess.

“If it weren’t for the fact that 004 encounters just as many unexpected obstacles as any 00 agent, we would all suspect they were making this up ahead of time in order to mess with us.”

Q glanced over his shoulder at them and chuckled.

“Hmm?” asked 004.

“Snoopy. Darmok,” said Q.

She snorted.

The techs shrugged at each other.

Several minutes passed as 004 entered the server room and looked around for the console she needed.

“Shit! Polonius!” said 004. There was a brief scuffle and then silence.

“Doc?” asked Q cautiously.

“War room,” said 004, clearly satisfied with something.

“Kitten whiskers,” said Q agreeably. “Hal?”

“Iron Maiden.”

“Mmhmm,” said Q.

Two more minutes passed.

“Humpty Dumpty,” said 004 cheerfully.

“Before shop close?” Q requested.

“Sunshine,” responded 004.  
  


004 quietly exited the office suite and Q watched her via GPS as she left the building. He un-looped security camera video feeds as she went and erased any evidence he’d been in the system as well.

“Clear,” she reported when she was well away.

“A pleasure as always, 004,” said Q.

“Likewise, Q. Signing off,” said 004.

###  **005**

“Heard you got 007 out of a scrape last week,” said 005 the first time the new Q outfitted him for a mission.

“I hadn’t much choice. He’d gotten himself into one,” said Q dryly, as he handed over 005’s weapon and equipment.

They shared a knowing smile.

“…And have you heard? The National Hockey League in North America is contending with an outbreak of the mumps.”

005 made a sound a bit like a snort, but he sounded distracted.

“Is there a problem 005?” asked Q.

Months now into their working relationship, 005 thought he heard an unusual edge of concern in Q’s customary even tone.

“Juggling too many languages at once. My main contact speaks Bengali, while everyone else here speaks Pashto or Farsi. Then English to you. I’m doing so much switching back and forth it’s making it hard to concentrate in any language.” He sighed. “Not much to be done about it.”

“I do speak some Pashto,” said Q. “Though, except for the profanity, I’m a bit rusty. No chance of giving you the sport news I’m afraid, but I think I could manage to guide your mission and reduce the load by one.”

“That could work,” said 005 thoughtfully. “Dare I ask where you’ve been practicing your profanity?”

“006 swears at me in Russian when ops are going well. I flatter myself that I give as good as I get. But when things go pear-shaped—which happens often enough, it’s 006 after all—we switch to Pashto.”

005 chuckled. “Ah yes. I taught him some, but he learned most of that from the previous 004, Dalton. He was our resident expert on Afghanistan, among other things. He’d have been before your time.”

There was a long pause.

“Q?” asked 005.

“My apologies, 005. Yes. Agent Dalton was before my time.”

**Author's Note:**

> Casting notes:  
> 004 is played by Kate Beckinsdale, 006 by Sean Bean, and 008 by Idris Elba. I'm pretty sure I had casting ideas for others but I can't find them! If I do, I'll edit notes. :)
> 
> The one I'm pretty sure I didn't 'cast' was 005. I imagine him as a sort of anti-Bond who can fit in as a blue-collar worker anywhere in the world. He speaks a ludicrous number of languages and thrives on being underestimated.
> 
> Lois in personnel is named for Lois Maxwell, the actress who played Miss Moneypenny from 1962 to 1985.
> 
> Russian translation by https://imtranslator.net/translation/english/to-russian/translation/, transliteration by http://www.russianlessons.net/dictionary/transliterate.php


End file.
